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Giving it another try to get my 3 pages in this morning. I will be taking the 8:24 am bus because it is now 7:11 am and I definitely wouldn’t have written 3 pages (3 paragraphs) in 3 minutes. It’s now 7:12 am and to get the 7:55 am bus, I would have to jump in the shower in the next 3 minutes, get dressed by 7:40 am and leave the house by 7:45a.
Very grateful that I can take the 824a bus and get to work relatively on time. I still have work to finish for Sam. I have to finish my 4 questions from our Deep Dive Day a week ago Saturday.
I had all weekend to do it because I stayed home, but…I ended up watching TV all weekend.
I did a “Rules of Engagement” binge. I got stuck (I’m using a word I’m not supposed to use) watching this show and even when I questioned why I was watching it, another funny moment would happen and I would get distracted from myself and continue watching it.
I haven’t finished much of the other work I was supposed to do either. I have, however, started revealing some things I keep hidden. I told Brenna about the litter boxes and I told Betty about the dished in the sink and in the bedroom. I’m recognizing that sharing this info is making me uncomfortable. I’m also recognizing an intense need to explain why I do that. The explanation is my effort to make myself comfortable. If I explain it, then I don’t have to feel bad or uncomfortable which would negate the purpose of the exercise.
So, for that reason alone, it’s successful so far. In fact, writing this just now, I want very much to stop writing this journal entry because I’m uncomfortable and stopping would allow me to de-connect from this feeling. The purpose of the exercise is to become more comfortable with being uncomfortable. To be able to be in the bad feeling place without giving into the need to get comfortable. I am not looking to be comfortable with bad feelings.
Bad feelings are bad feelings. But…they have a purpose just like good feelings or any other feelings I might have. The purpose is to recognize that I am having these feelings. And having these feelings is just as important as having any other feelings. OK, I’ve just check out by going into intellectual explanation. Point for me for realizing that I’m using my writing to get away from feeling uncomfortable about writing about being uncomfortable with my feelings. I can do this all day. Now, if I want to stop, I can because I have exposed both feeling uncomfortable and attempting to get away from that discomfort.