Thought I didn’t have very much to talk about

Thought I didn’t have very much to talk about

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Thought I didn’t have very much to talk about in last night’s session with CL. But I was wrong.

It’s nice to talk about how things are going well. It’s nice to talk about how I’m connected to my purpose at work. Being of service, being part of a team. Being easy to work with.

He shared a personal experience of his to show how self-care can create understanding and connection and that he can take his own advice too. It’s possible that what I thought was a short by effective phone call on Tuesday night was in fact, a short but deep phone call which might have led to my needing to take a mental health day yesterday? Or it could be my not getting to bed on time leading to needing more sleep. I did take 2 naps yesterday.

If I want to get up at 5a and get 7 units of sleep, I have to be in bed by 1130p, 1115p, ideally.
I’ve been getting to bed by 1230a and thus, missing an hour of sleep, which adds up by the weekend. I can’t afford that this week, because I have a Red Elephant event on Saturday. It’s one of those events where you pay $97 and if you attend, they give you your money back.
I’d like to say, how do they afford it, but I know how they afford it. They depend on you signing up for their coaching package at this event.

They use this 1 day event as a loss leader, much like the candy and magazine display at the check-out counter in the supermarket. If you come in for 1 or 2 items, you will be seduced by the visual appeal of all that other stuff and end up buying a shopping cart full by the time you’re ready to check out and when you get home, the “high” has worn off and you wonder why you bought all this stuff when you only wanted a quart of milk or a dozen eggs. The science of shopping. Beware!!!!!

Giving it another try

Giving it another try


Giving it another try to get my 3 pages in this morning. I will be taking the 8:24 am bus because it is now 7:11 am and I definitely wouldn’t have written 3 pages (3 paragraphs) in 3 minutes. It’s now 7:12 am and to get the 7:55 am bus, I would have to jump in the shower in the next 3 minutes, get dressed by 7:40 am and leave the house by 7:45a.

Very grateful that I can take the 824a bus and get to work relatively on time. I still have work to finish for Sam. I have to finish my 4 questions from our Deep Dive Day a week ago Saturday.
I had all weekend to do it because I stayed home, but…I ended up watching TV all weekend.
I did a “Rules of Engagement” binge. I got stuck (I’m using a word I’m not supposed to use) watching this show and even when I questioned why I was watching it, another funny moment would happen and I would get distracted from myself and continue watching it.

I haven’t finished much of the other work I was supposed to do either. I have, however, started revealing some things I keep hidden. I told Brenna about the litter boxes and I told Betty about the dished in the sink and in the bedroom. I’m recognizing that sharing this info is making me uncomfortable. I’m also recognizing an intense need to explain why I do that. The explanation is my effort to make myself comfortable. If I explain it, then I don’t have to feel bad or uncomfortable which would negate the purpose of the exercise.

So, for that reason alone, it’s successful so far. In fact, writing this just now, I want very much to stop writing this journal entry because I’m uncomfortable and stopping would allow me to de-connect from this feeling. The purpose of the exercise is to become more comfortable with being uncomfortable. To be able to be in the bad feeling place without giving into the need to get comfortable. I am not looking to be comfortable with bad feelings.

Bad feelings are bad feelings. But…they have a purpose just like good feelings or any other feelings I might have. The purpose is to recognize that I am having these feelings. And having these feelings is just as important as having any other feelings. OK, I’ve just check out by going into intellectual explanation. Point for me for realizing that I’m using my writing to get away from feeling uncomfortable about writing about being uncomfortable with my feelings. I can do this all day. Now, if I want to stop, I can because I have exposed both feeling uncomfortable and attempting to get away from that discomfort.

It’s 7:04 am in the morning

It’s 7:04 am in the morning


It’s 7:04 am in the morning and I’m sitting down at the computer, ready to write this morning’s journal entry.


There is nothing to write about.
There is nothing to write about.
There is nothing to write about.

This is what I write when I can’t think of anything. What usually happens is by the 3rd or 4th sentence, something slides into my head and I can move forward.

I’m going to end up taking the late bus today. I woke up at 6 with the alarm after going to bed early, so I must have needed the sleep. Jackie, my cat, has already settled down for her 1st nap of the day. And I’m sitting here writing anything that pops into my head because that’s what I do in the morning.

Write something, anything. I did however forget to write on Saturday morning. That kinda bothers me because I’ve been pretty good about this so far. I almost can say that I enjoy doing this.

Almost. Not quite. Because I think if I really enjoyed it I wouldn’t have any difficulty doing it.

OK, that’s a load of bullshit. Even professional writers have empty days sometimes. What makes them professional is that they don’t let empty days determine their worth or their output.

They just take them in stride and move forward. Especially if they already have something started. My understanding is that a character, once formed, starts to direct the writing, the writer doesn’t. He or she just follows where the character wants to go. I wonder what the first writer who realized this thought about it.

When did it first occur? Yes, I know that fiction writing isn’t as old as writing in general. Or maybe that’s not true. Maybe all writing is a type of fiction and what makes it non-fiction is how much isn’t made up. How much is the re-telling of events that actually occurred, but…it’s a re-telling which means that even if you’re the person who is writing about yourself, there is still some adjustment. The re-telling has to go through the filter of your memory which may or may not be accurate. Does accuracy require 1 person, 2 people or 3 people, whose stories are sufficiently the same so that you can say that that event actually occurred because more than 1 person remembers it the same way?

What is accuracy in the re-telling of an event? Or a memory? Or anything else someone wants to write about. Other than saying the sky is blue and the grass is green, can anything be related with any accuracy at all? Will I remember writing this when I re-read it in a few months?

Will I remember what my point was?


Will anything be the same ever again?

When you’re thinking about one thing and an email about that thing arrives in your inbox

When you’re thinking about one thing and an email about that thing arrives in your inbox


I’m working through my emails & I opened this one Dr. Kelly Flanagan is referencing Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning. I just gave my report to Sam last night about this book. This is not the first time something like this has happened. I read a previous session & it talks about fear & fear is something I was talking about the night before in my check in. I love these serendipitous moments. When something you need presents itself at the moment when you can actually use it. Sam & I had our 2nd deep dive day yesterday. We spoke about a lot of different things. One of the things I am grateful for is the idea that as long as I see my needs and taking care of myself as a “problem,” I will be working for him and I didn’t pay him $11,000 to work for him. I paid him $11,000 so he could work for me. While he has been working for me these past 3 years, only now am I getting the idea of his working for me. He is giving more of himself as a coach, he is giving me more attention. He is doing what I’m paying him to do. Guide me into being a good coach. A thoughtful person who cares about others and wants them to have a good life.

Just like he wants me to have a good life. I was able to talk about the book with thoughtfulness and respect. I read my book report and found it to be better than I expected. I didn’t like it when I first wrote it. I thought I had not answered the questions Sam asked. I thought I had totally missed the mark. When in fact I totally got the message Viktor Frankl was trying to bring forth.

I was worried about this session. I thought I wasn’t prepared. I did have a moment when I felt incompetent, but…I didn’t feel like that the whole time. He wanted me to take complete advantage of the time we had together. He wanted to know why the word difficulties was on the agenda. I said that I wanted to cover all bases.

He wants me to get to know that part of me that automatically goes to “I did it wrong.” I know there’s a story attached to that, but, what’s the truth behind the story & do I need to keep the story going. Do I have enough evidence over the last 3 years (at the very least) to be able to put the story to bed. I’m running out of time to read a session, so I’m going to close this out. But…I know this subject is just getting started.